How You Must Be Hurting

Honestly I feel miserable. I don't really know who to talk to. Everyone I cared about has moved on in life and forgotten about me, and those who try to care I push away. I want a deep connection, a strong relationship, but romantic feelings get in the way. What we had was good, it was nice, it was what I needed, but if you take away the romantic feelings, you suddenly disappear from my life. Why can't things be the way they were, just without kissing and romantic connotations. That would be perfect. But that is selfish of me. To want to spend time with you when my love for you is not the kind you wish. We can only have that perfect relationship, the one I crave, if it is only a romantic one. But why can't it be a romantic relationship? Why must my head and my heart be so messed up? I'm just a giant mess. I thought I would be happier but I feel so alone and guilty. I want to talk to you but I don't know what to say.

I miss you

Silent tears roll down my face when I think about it. 

When I think about you.

And this distance.

It's just not the same without you.

But you're on the other side of the world.

Both of you.

I hate it.

But there is nothing I can do.

I guess I could talk to you more.

But its not the same.

I can't hear your laugh,

Or see your smile.

I miss you.

I wish you were here.

All I'm Hearing

Is there something wrong with me?

There must be something wrong with me.

There is something wrong with me.

Right Person, Wrong Time

I've been thinking about the past a lot lately. And the future. But mostly I've been thinking about you.

Butterflies

Old habits die hard. I share a bed with Depression yet again. Hello dark, life sucking emptiness, my only companion in these gloomy hours of the night. Did you miss me? Surely you must of, otherwise you wouldn't have been so hasty to embrace my hollow body once more. Do you love me? More than I love myself no doubt. You enjoy my company. You don't turn in disgust at the very sight of me. You rejoice in all my faults and mistakes, so proud, that you constantly whisper them in my ear. You tell all you're friends about me, and they become eager to meet me. Loneliness, Doubt, Guilt, Pain and Hurt all crawl up next to me. They kick off the the cover, exposing me to the bitterness that eventually leaves me numb. Yet I do not complain.

But one day, I will learn to love myself, more than you or any of you ill-lighted friends. I will love me for me, imperfections and all. I will be my own friend, no longer an enemy. I will learn to love my reflection, and we will exchange a smile. I will be kind to myself, forgive and show mercy. I will learn to love me. I will learn to love again.

This is my hope.

False Hope

I am not strong. I am weak, fragile, torn and broken.

Although life is getting better

It does not change the fact that these past years have left me bitter and angry. I still believe there is beauty in the world, I just have to think twice before accepting it.